Tuesday, December 11, 2012

what came next

// bexadiary.com

although our hearts longed to be parents our spirits knew everything was under control, there was no need to rush anything. babies would come in the proper time, we were sure of it. peace was a familiar friend for a good year and a half after that. then it changed. i began to grow restless. there is only so long a woman can wait patiently before she begins to doubt and question all over again.

may 2010 we had a similar experience in another church service. again our hearts were rest assured that God had everything under control. while i understood in my heart my mind and emotions would soon get the better of me. more time past, more trying, more disappointment, more heart aches.

january 2011 we became acquainted with ovulation sticks, which are a small fortune in my opinion at $30, a box! ugh, those things were a thorn in my side! they detect the hormone that is released right before your body tells your ovaries it's time to release an egg to be fertilized. once your stick detects the hormone you have about a 12-36 hour window to get busy. months went by with perfect detection from the sticks but still no pregnancy. my cycle is very regular and i have had no troubles in the past. what was going on?! i needed some answers, fast!

** it was at this time 3 of my very best girlfriends got pregnant within weeks of each other. ...there are few words for the vast range of emotions that warred within me during this time. devastation, rejection, anger, envy, resentment, unfairness, what's wrong with me? what did i do? were all at the top of my heart. life forced me into a corner and shined a mirror on all the ugliness in my heart. gracious it was a challenge and battle of my will to dig very deep in my heart to find some ounce of joy and excitement for my friend's blessings in the midst of my lack. if you find yourself in this spot i understand full well what you are experiencing, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you for battling those emotions. walking through that space of life taught me a boatload about myself and built a foundation of unshakeable understanding of just how close God is to the brokenhearted.

faith, is a very important quality in my life. at times i am comforted by the promise of tomorrow, then there are times no matter how much i trust that God is able i don't see how it is possible. we had a promise that everything worked fine, but did it? my heart trusted but my mind did not.

seeing fertility doctors was something i wrestled with because i feared it meant i didn't trust God and that if he didn't see that i trusted him then maybe he would go back on his word. however that thinking couldn't be further from the truth. first of all, God is a good being and he knows that sometimes his children need comfort and reassurance in human form. secondly, God keeps his word. period.

february i made an appointment with an OBGYN for a pre conception visit. they ran the usual lady tests and asked me about my history with trying to conceive. sitting alone in his office i explained to him that we'd been, not preventing for the last 3 1/2 years and had experienced nothing. i told him of the ovulation sticks and showed him the years worth tracking of my cycle. then he blurted out, rather insensitively and quickly, i'm labeling you in the infertile category & i recommend you see a fertility specialist. excuse me, what?!!

it was clear to me that we had been experiencing lack of progress with getting pregnant but i expected him to reassure me these things take time and to try this way or that. infertile was something i most definitely did not prepare myself to hear. there i sat all alone across the table from a perfect stranger who seconds ago busted my fertile illusions with a very harsh word. infertile. me? but do you know who i am? i don't belong in that category! my eyes quickly filled with hot tears. this was not what i was supposed to be hearing.

leaving his office was something i couldn't do fast enough. calling ben was the first thing i did upon exiting the cold OBGYN. we agreed we'd see the specialist and go through some testing to either confirm or deny the previous label. the next week we sat in the office of a reproductive specialist, everything whirled around us. the doctor went over the results of my blood work and explained to me that i did indeed appear to be ovulating and produced the proper amount of hormones to sustain a pregnancy. fantastic news! then he proceeded to explain to us our options for getting pregnant. first my husband needed to get tested then we could do incemination a few times, if that didn't work we could jump to in vitro by october. ...umm, did he just say in vitro?! what the heck?! ben and i both felt very rushed and unprepared for this conversation. we came in to hear results of blood work not agree to in vitro by october! ...we were in way over our heads and peace about entering into that territory at that point was not present in our hearts.

after that appointment we pretty much went running as far away from doctors and tests as we could. until march of this year. more on that soon.


  1. I agree with you balancing trusting in God's plan and timing begins to get very confusing when going through infertility treatments. I am trying to trust that God is just using these doctors in his plan. I have begun to see the blessings of this journey and the ability to be a comfort to others going through this exact same thing.

  2. Soon after my ectopic pregnancy this summer all of my best girlfriends announced their pregnancy. I am still feeling all of those emotions. No one seems to understand them. Thank you for sharing that you felt the same way too. Sometimes it feels as if I'm alone in those feeings. I guess some day it will make sense for all of us who feel those things.

  3. Father is crafting a beautiful testimony in you.

  4. thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story.

  5. I just found your blog and I have to say, your vulnerability is so refreshing and so needed. Thanks for sharing and I am anticipating that God will do amazing things through this story.

  6. Thank you for sharing. Your story of faith is inspiring.