thoughts after january court

*this is, i'm sure, out of context to the current theme of our days. we've turned a corner and details of our case are very positive and in our favor. even still i didn't want this essay, written one day after a january court hearing, to get lost. i'd like it to be here to serve as a reminder of how dark some days got during this journey. 

june 25th i became a mother then again on july 17th and once more on december 3rd in the year 2013. within six months we went from no kids to busting at the seams. this ride of motherhood has been all the good i imagined and all the bad i didn't. our children came to us through the state, foster care, and with them has come all the heartache traditionally attached to the system. although our littles have been shielded from some of the horrific specifics so many children in care have come to know as their own, they are not without their scars and sadness. 

we've spent the better part of seven months in family seclusion {w/ the exception instagram} to gel as a unit and build stability for ourselves and our children. its true, stability and foster care are antonyms. we find our groove as a family; building assurance and familiarity for all of us only to be disturbed by the chaos that is "the system" every month. court hearings and meetings with case workers. all are doing the best they can at their jobs and fighting for whats best for these babies. yet it doesn't change the truth that life stops when these events take place and all in our home wrestle through the pain and disturbance long after the meetings have ended. the reality of the nastiness someone else made for these children and subsequently us, is undeniable during these moments. guarding our hearts and the hearts of our loves is such a mighty task. theory told me it would be, but standing in the mess that is somebody elses ugly and committing to bring about beauty is tiering and exhausts my soul. my faith and trust in the God that led us here have been challenged far too many times to count.

my children are the only thing lovely in all the wreckage. looking upon their innocent countenances is the only thing that brings me back to the knowledge that God truly is good, that He is in all of this, and that He will see all of us through to the finish. 

despite what we were led to believe not all is tied up and done with our middle son for adoption. dramatic court hearings have been dragging on in an attempt to close things up properly. there are uncertainties there that have me worried and our youngest son is at the beginning of the long emotionally messy journey that is the legal hassle of being "in care". yesterday gave us one of the most shocking hearings we've had since being with our children. because specifics were left undone what we were told would most likely happen will not. at least not yet? so here we are about to begin another tumultuous journey of uncertainty with him and i am hurting. my gut, my soul, my heart ache more than i've previously been familiar with. lord it feels like i'm in the eye of a storm, harmful debris flying about threatening to cause harm. i'm ducking for cover and shouting out at the darkness but it's not responding to my commands to cease. i am helpless and small and i am stuck. my heart aches, my soul is weary and i want to be rescued but i see no signs of the calm that comes after the storm. i trust that its on its way but i can not see it, there is no evidence of the light, the dark feels too dark. ...this is all too familiar, i've been here before. i've been this helpless and afraid and help did come, i was rescued. God has rescued before and he'll do it again i know He will.

my children are mine, their hearts are too intertwined with mine to tell me any differently. they are mine & i am theirs. my bones ache for the day that all the legal mess is over and we can all be settled and secure in our unit. our own family.