Tuesday, September 2, 2014

let me breath

i've been holding my breath for the past 14 months...

i miss this, i haven't for nearly two years but now i do. i'm feeling overwhelmed to write again, to share our life, our mistakes and lessons learned. i started blogging a year after we moved to texas and enjoyed it very much for a few years. after we moved away i kept trying at it but it didn't always feel genuine, kinda a bit forced at times. maybe i didn't have much to say, maybe my perspective was off, way off. like many insecure bloggers, i soon focused on how many "followers" i could obtain to validate me instead of being secure in who i was and what i could bring to the internet and subsequently humankind and it quickly drove me mad. so mad that i slowly drifted away from blogging all together without so much as a "hey i'm not going to write anymore". i never intended to stop. life just sorta got crazy and i couldn't keep up. truthfully i've felt discouraged and  n o t  myself for the better part of the last 14 months. its been hard. crazy hard. after years of prayer and agony i finally became a mother; and what i imagined would be a season of celebration in reality became a time of agony, uncertainty and deep insecurity. are they staying are they leaving? will we get to keep the baby? they're mine, no they're not, yes they are and months of waiting. ...i've had to hide and hide my children because in reality they're not mine. not yet. some  most days are too much and have left me discouraged and unmotivated for much else than loving and caring for them.

on the one hand i'm a mother, finally, and on the other hand i didn't become one by conventional means thus what follows will not be conventional. even still many days i find myself feeling sorry for me because this isn't how i imagined my life to be. get over it bex! {i'm getting there} i'm their mother but i'm not their mother. their names are different than mine, their faces are not mine to share, neither are their stories. in our home they're mine but out in the world there are everyday reminders that they're not, not really. there's been so much hiding and i'm so weary from it. being forcibly secretive all the time has had this introverted extravert exhausted and discouraged. some days i don't really feel like a mother yet. odd admission? its true. also, sometimes i feel like i've been babysitting for a really long time. my kids have been in limbo and so have i.

i started this out by saying i've been holding my breath for 14 months. yes, and in 1 month i can finally exhale. we're rounding the corner, the finish line to this season is nearing and soon we can lay all of this to rest and make what has happened in our hearts official. on october 8th we will officially become a family. on october 8th no more hiding.

i hope my words are not misunderstood, there have been many wonderful moments throughout the last year. my children are unbelievable and i am truly blessed. although we've had our trying times my difficulty has not come from them or my abilities to mother them. it's been this whole process, fostering to adopt. while the people we've met and worked with have been very much supportive the experience as a whole is draining. i believe we made the right decision with every fiber of my being. so much so that i'd be willing to go through it again and probably will. it's just been a rough year and i'm ready to put it behind us and move out from under its heavy shadow.

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